Finding God Again | Baptism 2019

So, Grace.
We believe that Jesus died on the cross.

Mmmhmm.

We believe he rose in three days and that's where our salvation comes from, right?

Yes.

Okay. So with that, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Crazy, right?

I never really thought I was going to be baptized. It had never been a thing that I had anticipated, or even planned to do. For the longest time, I wasn't even sure if I believed in God. I was wandering aimlessly through my life. I thought that we all lived, and we all died, and that was that on that. If you ask me, I would say that that ideation shoved me deeper into the depths of my depression. I didn't even think I had a purpose. Because if we all ended, then what was the point? It was scary to me, and I didn't like the thought of nothingness. Pure, black, nothingness. The thought alone shoved me into a spiral of anxiety in the summertime. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't really eating. I was isolating. 

Then, a friend invited me to church.

I enjoyed the idea of church, but I have never been one for organized religion. The thought scared me. I didn't like what some religions preached and I didn't like what some people that identify as certain religions would say. Some are full of a hatred that I can't imagine feeling; a hatred that they say is pushed by "God's Word." That is a whole bunch of BS, by the way. But that was why I was so hesitant at first! Though I have plenty of religious friends and know plenty of loving Christians, I could've never seen myself as one.

Going to church, though; that helped me. That opened me up. There was singing and scripture and so much love. It was like a large family reunion, just without the tacky t-shirts. It was great to feel welcome in a place and environment that I had never been in before. There I sat, a newbie in the world of God and Jesus and religion, and I didn't feel overwhelmed. That was huge for me!

I found myself wanting to actually go every Sunday. Let me put that into perspective; something was making me want to get up before ten am on a Sunday morning. Like, what? When did that happen?

I was launched into the deep end suddenly and I wasn't scared. I had so many people guiding me. Any questions that I might have, I had people to go to. I had Panera lunch dates to go over my thoughts and learn more. I had FaceTime conversations with my best friend's dad, who was just as excited to help me with my new spiritual life as I was. There were so many people all at once and it was so exciting. I still was not overwhelmed.

It wasn't until about December of last year that I decided baptism was something I wanted to do. I felt inclined to do so. I was going to church. I was singing the songs, going over scripture, reading my bible every day. I was even praying and I never did that before. I liked the way that I was heading. I loved this new light that I had found. It was like God had taken my heart into my hands, and together we were off.

I was baptized on February 24th, 2019. I wasn't really nervous that day during the morning service at church, but then I headed to the bathroom to change. My hands were shaking as I pulled on a pair of shorts that I didn't mind to get soaked. Why was I shaking? It was the strangest thing.

I stepped into the baptism pool with Ben Moss, who is a family friend of mine. His entire family has helped me through my faith, and really, I would credit them to guiding me the most. I started feeling it all of a sudden. Like a wave of emotions had just washed over me. I wasn't expecting to cry but I was tearing up and swallowing the lumps that were forming in my throat, thinking oh god please don't be dramatic in this pool. I looked at my family, and everyone was smiling. I looked at my friends- some of whom I had found through my religious journey- and they were crying. I looked to the young girls in the back of the room that I teach in jazz and tap class, and they were all waving feverishly.

I was then baptized in the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. The water was warm and when I came back up, everyone was cheering me on. I had just done that! I had fully welcomed God into my heart and my life.

That surely was something I was not expecting, but it was a great thing to do in my 2019. I am so excited to see what more my year has in store, and where my journey with God alongside me will take me.

Psalms 16:8 
I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

XOXO

My People Dress Me For A Week

You know those special days when ideas are just flowing like they are meant to and you are excited for the future content of your blog? The day that this idea struck me was one of those days. I decided that I wanted my bestest, closest, most admired friends to choose my outfits for an entire week. Much like those buzzfeed articles, those YouTube videos, but in my real life. I was going to go through the week, wearing outfits that my people had proposed, hopefully not complaining or freezing my butt off.

There were no rules, really. My friends were told to dress me in whatever they wanted to see me in. Whatever they thought I would look good in, whatever they wanted to put me in to push my stylistic envelope. It was a cold week and that was a big hurdle to jump over for most of the candidates.

Sunday's outfit was by Emilee Goldsmith. Emilee is a sophomore and we dance at the studio together. She's been a close friend of mine for a while now. She took me back to church again when I needed it, and we love to sing Seasons Of Love in the car together. So, like, an A1.

She probably had the warmest day of the week, but she had dressed me as though it was thirty degrees. And that was totally fine for me! Honestly, I would never ever wear this outfit. Like, ever. It's not my style. The sweater she had picked out, a cranberry XL sweater from Old Navy, had been pushed to the back of my closet as my style evolved and my sizing went down. She paired it with a red blanket scarf, light wash denim jeans, and brown boots. I feel like the boots give me duck feet, but maybe that's just me. 

I think Emilee did a pretty good job picking this outfit. Mostly because it was pushing the envelope of stuff that I would wear. I would call this outfit a mom outfit because I'm pretty sure I've seen every mom wear this at least once. It's a little too subdued for my actual style, but it was a nice change for my usually crazy and outgoing self.



One of my best friends, Emily Gosling, had the privilege of dressing me on Monday. Emily isn't my longest friend. In fact, I've literally known her since May 23rd of this year. But it's a well-known fact that I just trust her with my life, and my fashion.

Emily pretty much dressed me like herself on Monday. It was a chilly day and I had a radio interview for The Nutcracker Ballet. She put me in a denim skirt and a turtleneck, adidas on my feet and hoops in my ears. A wrist scrunchie just in case.

This was the outfit that I met my new pup Elvis in. There was an ice storm coming and my mom made me put sweatpants in the car just in case we were to get stuck on the highway. Spoiler alert: we didn't.

But I would totally wear this outfit again! It's cute and simple and I could do so many things. An interview, a job. School. A funeral. You name it, this outfit could probably do it.

Tuesday was Parker Bowman's day. The boneman. To make a long story short, I love this boy. A lot. He and his friends took part in the spring production at our dance studio, and the rest is history. Will I marry him someday? Fingers crossed.

Any way, Parker had to dress me on a day that I didn't have class. And I was totally thinking he was going to have me turn out some looks because I would consider him very stylish. But he decided to put me in leggings and a sweatshirt. "Bingo." My mom was judging this outfit hardcore. Even SHE expected more from the actual love of my life. (Also, I should stop calling him that to save us all.)

Parker claimed that his outfit wouldn't be the coolest, but it would be the comfiest. And he was right. It was a great relaxing day outfit. A good ole nap outfit. All I had to do on that Tuesday was head to rehearsal for the musical, and I was totally fine. Splits were allowed. It was a great time.

Humpday was for Ryan Fuemmeler. Ryan has been one of my best friends for so long. He is sweet, funny, kind. He keeps me on my toes. He pushes me forward. He calls me out on my BS and keeps me in line and honestly, if he wasn't around, I don't know what I would do.

So, I knew his outfit was going to be popping. And it was, really. He dressed me in an outfit that he had seen me wear once before that he loved. The only problem was it was freaking FREEZING on Wednesday. We were expecting snow. I think my midriff got frostbite and my thighs got all weird and tingly. But I was serving. My makeup looked good, I felt good. My windbreaker from Goodwill did everything but actually break the wind that day, but it was fine. It was fine because Ryan said I looked good. He even apologized for freezing me out.

The Thursday outfit was brought to you by none other than Hunter Reece. I met her in the first play that I was ever a part of, and really, she is one of my best friends. She is so much fun to be around, and I couldn't imagine my life without her at this point.

And that's why I feel SO BAD that she got a snow day!! She would've popped on such a cute and good look if it wasn't for that meddling snow. She wanted to keep me comfy since we didn't have class, and since I didn't have a matching tracksuit like she so wanted, she put me in sweats and my comfiest sweatshirt. And that was that.

I will say, I definitely was comfy. I definitely popped on a nap. I want Hunter to have a good ole chance and pick a good class outfit because I know that she isn't always sweats and sweatshirts for me. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

My Best Friend Abby Jent was in charge of Friday's outfit. Abby and I have been through a lot together. Prom and summer and car rides and boys and everything in between. She's my rock, really.

So before I explain this outfit, I have to tell you she was almost CUT from the week. She wanted to dress me like 2010. T-shirt and skinny scarf. Bootcut jeans. Flats. Actual high school musical garbage. I cried a bit and she caved. And that's how you work your tears.

 Anyway, we were going to see the High School play and she wanted to keep me casual and cute. And really, that's exactly what I got. I loved this outfit, probably because I've worn it once before. Mom jeans from goodwill and a cute choker collared sweater, with a necklace that says baby girl. Black booties, which I seem to always wear to every production where I am the audience member. She wanted my hair straight and she wanted my makeup to be the star, and I think that we definitely accomplished that.

This outfit is definitely great for all sorts of things, too. It makes me feel good and makes me feel cute while still remaining simple. Of course, I would wear this outfit again.

Bridget Bone was in charge of Saturday's outfit, which I didn't actually get around to wearing until Wednesday of the next week. Bridget is a sophomore but she's still my freshie. She is one of my closest sisters. She's welcomed me into her life and her home and I want her mom to adopt me secretly.

Bridget wanted me to look, and I quote, "I want kinda sexy and also subtle and such. Maybe fishnets?" So that's what we did. I popped fishnets on under a pair of holey high waisted jeans. Bridget loves me in red, so I did a red crop top and a black belt.

Okay, omg. I seriously love this outfit. So much. Like, Bridget really did that. Abby Jent, who is one of Bridget's closest friends (we're all in a group together) was surprised to see that this was a Bridget look. It was so cute! I got so many compliments at school. It was one of my favorites to wear.


So to wrap it all up, I had a lot of fun during that week. Really, I did. There were so many different styles to sport.

Through polls, the favorite outfit was Abby Jent's look. That didn't surprise me. I think it was the most flattering on me, and it didn't push the envelope for the viewers too much. My personal favorite, though, had to have been the Bridget look. Like, I would totally wear that again. It was so stinking cute!

Would I do this again? Absolutely. Maybe in the summer, maybe with different people involved. I just love to see how people want me to dress. I love the variety in style and I love that each person was so eager to go ahead and do this little experiment with me. It was so much fun!

XOXO

Vote For Me: Midterm Elections 2018

Photo by Mirah Curzer on Unsplash

I am seventeen years old. I haven't voted in any elections just yet, except for a mock 2008 presidential election in my 2nd grade class. That year I voted for John McCain because that was who my dad was voting for and I secretly wanted to be favored. Barack Obama surprisingly won the school election, which was strange for my Midwestern, small town, predominantly white elementary school.

Then, my seven year old self didn't really care about politics. I was too busy singing Taylor Swift on the playground. Too busy making mud pies when it rained. And, I mean, that's how it should be. Politics were always an adult thing to me. I never heard of teenagers getting revved up or emotional because Barack Obama was elected a second term. Then again, just ten years ago, everything was different. Politics weren't force-fed to us. We weren't drowning in what Trump just tweeted and what harmful executive order was going into effect next.

But now, here we are.

I am seventeen years old. I haven't voted in any elections yet, and there is a fairly important one happening very soon. If you ask me, midterms are more important than presidential elections. 35 seats of our 100 Senate seats are up for grabs. the 435 Representative spots are also up for election. Do you know what these numbers mean?

For Democrats to take control of the House of Representatives, a total of 23 seats would needed to be gained. To have the majority in the Senate, just two seats would be needed. And this doesn't seem too difficult, that is, until you look at our numbers.

The House. The Senate. The President. We are swimming in a sea of red. This would be fine and just, if it wasn't the most conservative, crazy, right-leaning Republicans with the majority. So, I'm telling you to vote.

Actually, I'm begging you. Please go vote. The executive branch is so so important, and we are lucky enough to now have the right to vote those in that we believe should represent us, our country, and our ideals. It wasn't always that way. The Senate was a millionaire boys' club, with officials elected via state legislatures. We now have and hold this power, and I think we so often take it for granted.

When you go vote, think of me. Think of your children, your grandchildren, your friend's children. It's their future that you're voting for, their future you're electing. You are holding the clay and it starts with you. Vote for me. Please vote for me. When you vote, think of the Senators and Representatives that I will have to look up to. Think of everything that could affect me, my future, and my rights. And then vote. Vote for me.

XOXO

Curtain Calling

When I was thirteen years old, I saw my first Broadway show. Kinky Boots, an astounding show with an incredible story and an even better soundtrack. The show was fun for me because I was just starting to get into my love for the drag culture, and it was even more fun because I was experiencing it with one of my best friends. She was an experienced theater-goer and this wasn't her first rodeo, but it sure was mine.

It was a crazy experience. You know that feeling you get when you walk into Disney World and you see Main Street USA? Or when you watch a crazy cool firework display on the Fourth of July? Yeah, that's exactly how I felt. Wide-eyed, unable to contain my toothy grin. I was a proper Carol Channing while watching that performance of Sex Is In the Heel.

I sat there in my seat during the performance, and I just felt something. A yearning and a beckoning. These people were on stage right in front of me! I felt like I was a part of something big and grand and miraculous. I cried with the characters and I laughed, and it was safe to say that the actors had done their jobs. I left the Fox and I downloaded the soundtrack, but I still wanted more!


I have always loved musicals and musical theatre. But I had only ever seen movies. Only ever listened to soundtracks via my iPhone. I only had watered down interpretations of what this was actually like. It was rather safe to say that I WANTED THAT. I wanted to be a part of that! I had this calling and it was ringing in the back of my measureless mind. And it grew even louder through Tony award shows and through Hamilton, and through all of the Broadway Review shows that I had performed in at my dance studio. (Oh, and that one time we did Hairspray. I'm still in love with that.)

So, I finally auditioned for a show at the beginning of August. I wore a white t-shirt and a denim skirt and red lipstick, because one of my dance teachers once told me that red was good for an audition. It's eye catching! And that's what I was going for.

I. Was. So. Nervous.

I read for the character of God (Yeah, you heard me right) and I tried to make the blurb about the Virgin Mary as funny as possible. And it must've worked, because I was cast in the show, An Act Of God. I really could not believe it! The day that I found out, it was raining, but nothing could rain on my parade. It was a good, good day. My first audition, my first show. Every other time that I had been on stage, I had been dancing. This would be my first time with actual lines and I was so ecstatic.

To make things much cheesier and much more High School Musical, it was the start of something new. I was in rehearsals almost every night of the week. I was learning and having fun with this new group of people that I got to call my friends. The theater was a new safe space and safe haven for me; another place to express myself and another place to  learn and grow. I felt my plans for the future start to change.

I'm the kind of person that falls in love so fast. And that is exactly what happened with the theatre. I just wanted to be there everyday! It was a longing that I hadn't felt since I had started ballet classes in Kindergarten. I didn't think anything could even try to compare to my love for dance, but yet there we were.

An Act Of God was my first show. I got to be back stage with one of my fast-growing best friends, Hunter. On opening night, my knees were shaking and I thought that I was definitely going to throw up the Monster energy drink that I had downed just before. But I forbore. I got a "Love you, good luck" hug from Hunter, who was playing God that evening. I got a bouquet of flowers and a pack of Reese's from sweet fourteen year old Addy, who was the second cast's God. People in the audience laughed. They laughed! I think that was the most fun of it all. To know that as a cast, you could provoke a reaction. Any kind of reaction. It was so much fun.

Love you, Good Luck.

There are so many good things about that show. It made me realize how much I love the Theatre. How much I want to be apart of it. How much it has impacted my life in such a short amount of time. It's brought new opportunities and people and friendships. And I will forever be grateful for that calling.

XOXO