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Social Media: The SILENT KILLER

In this day and age, it's hard not to have social media. I mean, come on. Everything is online! We get our news from the Internet. We get our family updates and our 8 year old buddy's birthday party invitations via Facebook. Most of the laughs that equip my friend cliques come from Tweets. My recipes come from Pinterest, especially when I'm feeling super healthy. My best photos can be found on my Instagram, though a whole bunch of my cutest selfies live in the archives of my Snapchat memories.

So, if there are so many good and fun things about Social Media, how could it possibly be silently killing us all? Easy. Everything has balance. When there is one good, there is one bad. One Yin, one Yang.

I know how extreme it sounds, calling Social Media the silent killer of my generation. But it's true. Through the social media platforms of today, there is so much love and light. But there is also so much hatred and so much evil and so so so much ugly. Which really freaking sucks! The Internet was such a cool idea. Really, big ole shout out to whoever decided that social media platforms would be a great way to stay in touch and see a different side of people's lives.

But also; what the heck, man?! It is hard enough with to struggle with a mental illness. But sure, go ahead. Add the comparison and toxicity of 7 billion people on top of it why don't you.

It's hard to explain, hard to actually find the words to describe how I feel on the topic. I'm addicted to social media. Yeah, I'll say it. Hello, my name's Grace and I'm a Social Media Addict. Shocker! A seventeen year old high school student with an Internet addiction. Never heard of that before.

Really though, it's hard. Everything is so much harder with the Internet and the access to social media.

There is more fighting over one's political views, and it's always much more hateful because people feel that they can get away with their slurs. There's more comparison. I am always wondering why my life isn't picture perfect and pristine like every Instagram model's. Does she even have bad hair days or bad mental days? Why don't I have a potted succulent?

Everything is at your fingertips. You can diagnose your bad days as a crippling clinical disorder. Why is there so much evil in the news? Obviously, young children are exposed to social media and the Internet far too early. We've seen children take their own lives too many times for this not to be an issue that we talk about. Where are they learning this? Why were they pushed so close to the edge, that suicide was the answer?

Social Media Anxiety is so real. The comparison is so real. There are so many comparisons every single day. In the beginning of my childhood, there was comparison. Of course there was, there always will be. But with the rise of the Internet came a new ideal for unreachable perfection. One that we all strive for. And, if you are a perfectionist like me, it's hard when you don't hit that level of unreachable perfection. Why can't my skin be edited to perfection? Why do I live in a small town in Missouri and not a penthouse in beautiful New York? Why am I not as happy as everyone on the Internet seems to be?

Am I doing something wrong? Is there a reason why my life doesn't look like theirs? Should I always be smiling, and is something wrong with me since I am not always grinning from ear to ear? Do people really not care about the songs that I post on my Instagram stories? Is my friendship really only measured in Snapchat Streaks?

So. To wrap it all up: I think Social Media is pretty cool. But I also think we all need a break once in a while. To breathe, and to remind us where we came from. We come from books and we come from family time. We come from fuji film and face to face communication. We come from imperfections. We all start from somewhere, and I feel for the ones that will grow up not knowing a time when there was no social media. To the few of us that were there in times of no Facebook Messenger and no Snapchat, look at us go! Ugh. It was so good. I already need a cleanse.


Return Of The Jedi

I haven't posted in a while. I haven't written in a while, for that matter. And I'm going to tell you why. Why was Grace mysteriously absent for eighty-four years? Was she on a soul searching mission through the continent of Africa with only the linens on her back and a canteen of boiled and purified water? Really, that would be super dope and I wish that was the case. But it sadly is not.

I feel like I've been on a soul searching mission. One that is still ongoing and one that I'm still trying to figure out. Since we last spoke, my spring melted into summer. I got busy with dance and work and stress of the production season, but really, in that time, I was thriving. I had a nice big group of friends from dance including boys that were brought in for production time. We were going out every week to celebrate rehearsals and the start of our new friendships. Though I was stressed with choreography, I was happy. The stress was a good stress. My medicine was working, I was going to therapy. I was so happy. Dance concert happened and our friend group was strong and we lasted into the beginning of the summer. Ugh, it was so good. And then it wasn't.

I got into a car accident on June 25th. My mother's freaking birthday! Happy birthday mom, here's a scary phone call. No one was involved and no one was injured, thank God, but I very well could have been. It was scary. All that I did was dip down into a ditch and then I couldn't get back up onto the road. I hit a sign and the ditch stopped the car from flipping and hitting a telephone pole. The car? Totaled. My summer? Nonexistent. It seemed to stop as soon as I hopped out of the car, my hands shaking and my face rushing with a tingle of adrenaline. I was, for lack of a better term, pissed.

That was when I really started to notice myself lose control. I had been doing so good. So happy. I was going to bed every night excited to wake up the next morning. I wanted to be alive! I was smiling and laughing and pst, can I tell you a secret? I even fell in love. BLEH,
EW. I KNOW, RIGHT?! And that was scary because A) I had never felt that before. B) I couldn't do anything about it  and C) There was no way that anyone could feel that way about me.

I was so in my head. My isolation began again. I felt like since I couldn't get myself places, that I didn't deserve to be there. That no one wanted me there. I deserved to feel this way. I deserved every negative thought that was going through me. My suicidal thoughts started to relapse and I was so lost. Exhausted. Drained. Numb.

A good friend of mine reached out to me in this time of need and invited me to church. I'm very open with the idea of God. I believe there's a something, a someone. I needed to surround myself with people and good energy again. So, I went. Is it cheesy to say that it changed me? Even just a little bit?

It was refreshing. It was good to know that there is always someone to love you. There is always something listening if you are brave enough to speak. There is always something or someone pushing you in the direction that you need to go in. And I loved that. I needed that.
Since then, I've had a lot of questions about religion and my own personal journey through faith and spirituality. It's good to have a group of people that can sit down and answer my questions and guide me through this because I still feel so lost. But we're getting there!

School has started back up, and so has dance. I'm hoping that the routine helps me get back into a better mindset. It's my senior year and the last thing I want to be doing is crying in my bed over how lonely and sad I am. I'm taking classes at the local college, and I was even cast in the Autumn play! Better things are coming. It is just hard to remember sometimes.


Spring Up Your Life!

There's a little boutique in the town that I live in called Ophelia. On the corner of the street with marble pillars and big bright windows. Windows with mannequins in little dresses and skirts and pants. It is almost never crowded and always beautiful. And in the window for weeks upon weeks, I stared at this particular dress in the window. I showed my mom when we drove past together, I gawked at it when shopping with a friend. She bought a maroon jumpsuit and I sighed because of my two dollars and that little dress that seemed to taunt me.

So I went back to that boutique on the corner at the beginning of March. I ran to the last dress that I saw, a large LAST CHANCE sign hanging near it. It was a small, and I was so upset! but the lovely girl working that day showed me a mannequin that was in the window who was wearing that dress. She was wearing MY dress, because it was my size and I was way too excited about that. So of course I bought it!

One of my sweet best friends is a pretty stellar photographer, if I do say so myself. So this past Saturday, we decided to go out and about taking pictures in this dress. Don't worry, I got him that free Panera lemonade. We also took photos for an art project, and you just have to know that those turned out amazing!

This dress is figure flattering and so stunning on. The color blocking element of the dress is one of the elements that I love most about it. It is just amazing. Millennial pink pink sleeves, yellow torso, black collar and skirt. And GUESS. WHAT?! The dress ties together in the back in a little bow that, if you ask me, just makes it so much cuter. Why is everything so much better with a bow?!

This dress gives me some Mid-Century Modern vibes. Maybe it's the high collar or the sleeves, or even the shape and fit of the dress. Let's just say that it's all of it combined! I decided to pair the dress with a yellow purse from Old Navy. I also paired it with a pair of nude wedges. They're my mom's and she was in Australia in the time that we took these photos, so SHH don't tell her.

We took a few photos in a local Chocolate shop called Sweetheart Chocolates. And it was just too cute! Small and quaint and it smelled like all things yummy and delicious. We bought the chocolate covered oreos which are personal favorites of mine!

This is seriously the perfect dress for Springtime. I already have planned to wear it for three other events and, like, can those happen now? I just want to live in this dress!

Shoutout to my bestie Ryan for tolerating me, taking pictures of me, and also buying those oreos. And thank you Sweetheart Chocolates for letting us take pictures in your store!



PHEW. February. Like, what? Twenty-eight days that I thought would never end. It's the shortest month, yet it felt like the longest! Here, I was still getting back into a routine of work and school and socializing. Which, I'm still working on. I feel like January is always a trial month and then February is REAL. Which, meh. This can either really work in your advantage or not.

February is the month of love and red and hugs and kisses and chocolates and all of the boys that decided to suddenly ghost me! Just kidding, but really(I'm not salty at all). A lot of new things came into my life that I decided to keep around for my own personal enjoyment.

I didn't do January favorites and I almost didn't write my February faves. But like I said, January is not real! It's an illusion! A trial month! February is real, let's get down to business. So here are my February faves!

gif from awesomelytechie.com

The first favorite of mine that I just have to mention is my favorite read of the month. For February, my library does "blind date with a book," where you pick out a book that is covered up based on the little quote written in paper. I picked up "It was a pleasure to burn." I was like oh em gee this is going to be some sappy sweet Rainbow Rowell/ John Green esque ish. But no, it was Fahrenheit 451!

I had been meaning to pick it up and read it for awhile, and it was like fate. Valentine's Day brought us together. It very quickly became one of my favorite books of all time. I just couldn't put it down! Whenever a book does that for me, it's definitely a keeper.

Obviously, I have been quite the fan of red this year. February was no exception. It was deemed as normal to wear red from head to toe, and I was very happy about that.  Lipstick, nail polish. Dresses, flannels, sweaters, t-shirts. I love red! It's romantic and sexy, feminine and elegant. You can be absolutely anything in red.

And you no what else is pretty awesome? My JORD Watch!! So as not to bore you, I'll just leave it at this; BEST. WATCH. EVER. So sleek, stylish, and fun. Goes with everything, makes me feel like the first lady or something. If you're interested in learning more (and you should be!!!) you can check out the full review/giveaway here.

I've also really been in love with Jeffree Star liquid lipsticks this month. Which should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, but I mean come on. They last, they're beautiful, and cruelty free! My favorite shade to rock is Nathan from the family collection. 

Still on the topic of makeup, I have a new favorite highlighter. It's hard not to please me in the highlighter department. If it's shiny, I'm buying. Gifted to me by a dear friend (Shout out to you, Jennie), Hippo from ColourPop is seriously EVERYTHING. My skin looks glowy and lit from within. It's almost that silky wet look and omg it's amazing.

Those are just a few of the things that I loved in my February. I would love to hear about your favorite things! Is it an eye shadow, a pair of socks, a soundtrack? Here's to many more favorites in March and beyond.