Return Of The Jedi

I haven't posted in a while. I haven't written in a while, for that matter. And I'm going to tell you why. Why was Grace mysteriously absent for eighty-four years? Was she on a soul searching mission through the continent of Africa with only the linens on her back and a canteen of boiled and purified water? Really, that would be super dope and I wish that was the case. But it sadly is not.

I feel like I've been on a soul searching mission. One that is still ongoing and one that I'm still trying to figure out. Since we last spoke, my spring melted into summer. I got busy with dance and work and stress of the production season, but really, in that time, I was thriving. I had a nice big group of friends from dance including boys that were brought in for production time. We were going out every week to celebrate rehearsals and the start of our new friendships. Though I was stressed with choreography, I was happy. The stress was a good stress. My medicine was working, I was going to therapy. I was so happy. Dance concert happened and our friend group was strong and we lasted into the beginning of the summer. Ugh, it was so good. And then it wasn't.

I got into a car accident on June 25th. My mother's freaking birthday! Happy birthday mom, here's a scary phone call. No one was involved and no one was injured, thank God, but I very well could have been. It was scary. All that I did was dip down into a ditch and then I couldn't get back up onto the road. I hit a sign and the ditch stopped the car from flipping and hitting a telephone pole. The car? Totaled. My summer? Nonexistent. It seemed to stop as soon as I hopped out of the car, my hands shaking and my face rushing with a tingle of adrenaline. I was, for lack of a better term, pissed.

That was when I really started to notice myself lose control. I had been doing so good. So happy. I was going to bed every night excited to wake up the next morning. I wanted to be alive! I was smiling and laughing and pst, can I tell you a secret? I even fell in love. BLEH,
EW. I KNOW, RIGHT?! And that was scary because A) I had never felt that before. B) I couldn't do anything about it  and C) There was no way that anyone could feel that way about me.

I was so in my head. My isolation began again. I felt like since I couldn't get myself places, that I didn't deserve to be there. That no one wanted me there. I deserved to feel this way. I deserved every negative thought that was going through me. My suicidal thoughts started to relapse and I was so lost. Exhausted. Drained. Numb.

A good friend of mine reached out to me in this time of need and invited me to church. I'm very open with the idea of God. I believe there's a something, a someone. I needed to surround myself with people and good energy again. So, I went. Is it cheesy to say that it changed me? Even just a little bit?

It was refreshing. It was good to know that there is always someone to love you. There is always something listening if you are brave enough to speak. There is always something or someone pushing you in the direction that you need to go in. And I loved that. I needed that.
Since then, I've had a lot of questions about religion and my own personal journey through faith and spirituality. It's good to have a group of people that can sit down and answer my questions and guide me through this because I still feel so lost. But we're getting there!

School has started back up, and so has dance. I'm hoping that the routine helps me get back into a better mindset. It's my senior year and the last thing I want to be doing is crying in my bed over how lonely and sad I am. I'm taking classes at the local college, and I was even cast in the Autumn play! Better things are coming. It is just hard to remember sometimes.


XOXO

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